Thankfully, when it comes to video games, sequels improve. Wagyan Land had some decent ideas, but it was just too unbalanced in difficulty and too repetitive to be any real fun.

From the start, the sequel feels like a setup for more of the same. It gets kinda worrying, until you start to play and you realize that… hey, there’s actually some dialogue! It seems the story this time is to save the Smile Tree. That plot tastes a bit better than Devilnapping. But then you get into it and… really what’s changed? Your stomach sinks. From the screenshots on the right, you can tell that WL2 looks exactly the same. They didn’t even try to improve the presentation. There are new backgrounds, not that you can tell. There are some new enemies, but you don’t notice since they all have the same attack patterns. And the quality of the music is still pretty forgettable.

So you slog through the game. But then you notice something odd. Something you never thought would happen! You’re having fun. They did it. They actually did it! But wait, it’s exactly the same… or is it?

Thankfully, they made a lot of little changes that add up to a very different experience. For starters, there are now in-level powers! You can become transparent, you can gain the sonic wave as a charge weapon, and you can float using your tail. They also added some new permanent upgrades. The head-spinning helicopter is something you must see to believe.

And even though they took out the multiple paths on the world map, it’s still better. I mean, my eyes didn’t glaze over from yet another ‘forest’ level. They actually tried to make each island visually different, which I appreciate. They also spice some levels with new mechanics, making for a happy player.

The one big “oh thank God” I uttered during this game was when I fought a boss. Wow! The Word chain game has more options for synonyms and it’s not insanely demanding! Hey, the AI doesn’t totally own you at Memory. They even made the Memory game patternistic, making it a lot easier to achieve the 7-up bonus. And they added a new Numbers game which is actually pretty fun. Basically, there are 40 numbers randomly scrambled on the board and you have to sort them from 1 to 40. Later on, they make the Numbers game even harder by making it count backwards or count through odds first and then evens. Now we’re talking!

I appreciate their attempt to make the boss fights not suck. They win a cookie. For adding a 2-player mode, they get sprinkles.

So I guess what I’m saying is this: if you dare try any game in the series, this is it. This is the clear winner. Of course, when you think about it that’s actually kinda bad news. I still have five more games to get through. And it’s all downhill from here.

Wagyan Land / Wakiyarando – Game Gear (1991)

Or is it? I was honestly surprised to see Wagyan Land for the Game Gear. I nearly missed covering it, since I assumed (like you) that it was just a port. Well it’s not. It’s actually a um…remake I guess. It’s the same world map and the same level layout and the same story as the first game. But the levels themselves are brand-new and there are a lot of new enemies.

They also do something smart by incorporating the new power-ups from WL 2 and taking it further with even more ideas like springs. And items now change your colour and offer you additional hitpoints. It’s really quite nice. It would even be better than the second one. Except, you know, it’s on the Game Gear. Man that screen is small!

Well it’s clear that Namco actually tried to make a game that lived up to Wagyan Land 2. It’s not quite as good, but it’s a solid entry and worth your time if you like Wagyan (you know, both of you.) Good for you Namco! So what I have to say next might seem hurtful.

Wagyan Land 3 – NES (1992)

WHAT? What? No wait. WHAT! Namco…you…OH… damnit what the hell? It’s like you finally learned how to roll over, and I should give you a treat. And then you piss all over the floor right in front of me. Seriously, what happened?

Yeah, the backgrounds are bright with highlights and shadows. Everything is more detailed, including distinctive enemies for once. They also added some gameplay ideas like low-grav and walking on the ceiling. And they brought the multiple pathing back. This should be a good game right!? But NO, don’t let it fool you!

First off, the plot of robo-zoo rejects from space stealing dinos for Dr. Devil is pretty lame. And the levels are repetitive… again. The password system is long and complicated for a game that’s only like an hour long. Seriously what’s up with that? And then the difficulty curve can’t make up it’s mind what it wants. Sometimes the game is really easy. Other times it’s Ninja Gaiden hard. And don’t even get me started on the final boss. They took away the 2-player, but you know what? Your friend doesn’t WANT to play this time. In fact, your friend is silently thanking the heavens he’s safe as he reads this. Goddamn it.

WL 3 plain sucks. Let me break down the board meeting for you:

“Hey guys! Remember those clever power-ups we came up with?”
“Oh yeah, those were a good id–”
“Take them out. I hate them. I never want to see them again!”
“I dunno Bob, they were pretty popular with–”
“And I want to make those boss battles stupidly impossible again. Get on that.”
“Wait, Bob, why are we doing this? Remember how good the last one–”
“WE’RE DONE HERE! CUT! PRINT! GET ME A DAMN PIZZA!”

I’m disappointed. How am I expected to go back to this stupid mediocrity after the second game?
What else can I say about this mess? This game is the Megaman 6 of the franchise.

After this game, Namco finally went pro and made the switch to Super Nintendo. Updated graphics! Updated music! Updated ideas! Just what would the future bring for Wagyan Land?

Other than the end of my sanity? Nothing worth noting. Please stop me.

And every big developer like Konami, Capcom, and Nintendo is gonna give us at least a taste of their popular Japanese games, right?? Ah, the wishful thinking of fans. To this day, I still await the arrival of Stafi. Unfortunately, today’s target is not one of those forgotten delightful foreign treasures.

No, let’s face it: there are some franchises that Japan can keep. We don’t WANT them! Namcot’s unbelievably mediocre Wagyan Land is a prime example. Each incarnation of this tepid series does little to improve upon already-repetitive mechanics; seriously they all look and feel the same.

And somehow, SOMEHOW… there are SEVEN games in the franchise! Seven! What!?

How did Namco let this happen!? Was it actually POPULAR in Japan? Is there something I’m missing!? What encouraged Namco to keep producing this series? Did it actually make money? Why did they continue this farce!? There are few moments in this world that force you to re-evaluate your belief in God. Playing the first Wagyan Land is one of these tragic moments.

So why do I bother going through all this? Because there are seven games. This is not just a one-off bad port or a stupid movie license or a dumb idea with dumber developers. This is a badly-developed franchise from one of the industry Giants. There must be SOME reason that Wagyan was salvaged time and time again to be crucified upon another sequel. It is my mad hope that in discussing these titles, I can recognize just what compelled me to waste an entire weekend on this mess. I need some small justification for my growing regrets.

Alright, let’s get this train wreck a-rolling.

Wagyan Land – NES (1989)

Dr. Devil, who could win a Wily Look-a-like contest, has kidnapped all the dinosaurs. Quick! You must save them! A pretty stereotypical send-up for a plot; I’m not gonna bash it because it’s not like the blockbuster titles did any better. Let’s examine the plot for what it is: a reason for roaring lizards.

The graphics aren’t gonna win any awards either. For starters, everything is flat. Every monster, sprite, and background is completely without highlights or shadows. They’re crudely drawn, big and kindergarteny. The backdrop is bright and indistinguishable from the platforms, making it hard to tell where you’re going. The enemies are about as well-conceived as the blandest monsters from EQ2. In conclusion, the visual style is very… boring.

The gameplay isn’t much better. You are a green dinosaur named Wagyan. With your mighty roar, you stun opponents. Think of the RAGE! from Bonk; out of your mouth comes a little roar that flies forward to stun enemies. It won’t KILL them, but you may use them as stepping stones a la Metroid’s Ice Beam. A good concept to start, but you never actually NEED to stun the enemies to get anywhere, making every level a simple keep-walking-forward situation. The game even gives you a hi-score just for WALKING. Seeing as how score also nets you extra lives, it’s a bit confusing.. but you’ll need every 1up you can get for this game.

There are little dino symbols throughout each level. Collecting one powers up your voice to make it more powerful (stuns last longer and it’s a bit bigger.) Get it big enough and it passes through all opponents, stopping only for walls. Collect 4 and you become invincible, rainbowy, and fast for a short period of time.

There are a few things that make it a bit less than completely dull. Sadly, it’s a short list.

• If you reset the game, it will let you continue. Powering off kills the save file though.
• There are multiple paths, which I’ll admit is kinda cool. Too bad all the levels kinda bleed together for generic sameness. Still, if you see another exit on the world map, then there is another exit in the level itself.
• There is a level where you save an ‘old man’. He gives you the sonic power-up, allowing you to destroy enemies with sound waves. Sadly, it replaces your stun making the game even more difficult in some areas.
• There is one level that features sliding like a roller-coaster. Although unique gameplay ideas are rare in this first outing (the spring jump isn’t too bad either), later Wagyan Land games would build on this and other features for some genuinely cool stuff.
• The music is kinda catchy. It’s not much, but I’ll take anything good I can find.

Okay, so it doesn’t sound like much and you’re right. The game is certainly no Mario or Zelda. It doesn’t even come close. However, you better really like those few good points if you choose to play it… because the many bad points will burn your brain and scorch your soul.

There is a lot about this game you will find frustrating. For starters, you die in one hit. This can really get on your nerves, given the floaty jumps and the stupid abundance of danger. And even if there are many bosses, ranging from evil beasts to pink faeries, the battles are infuriating!

In this game, instead of beating your opponents to a good ol’ fashioned pulp, you must outwit them in a mini-game. There are only two mini-games, which gets stale pretty quickly.

The first is Word Chain. The villain will pick a word associated with a picture and choose the last letter of that word. You must then use that letter to start a word that describes another picture on the board. It’s all in Japanese so it’s a bit hard to figure out. There is an english fan-patch (I know, right?) that sorta makes it work. Unfortunately, the synonyms hardly make sense and if you screw up or run out of time (which happens a lot), you die and RESTART. Talk about the creeps!

The second is a Memory game, your typical flip-two-match-pictures. The mixing of the cards is completely random, so no amount of practice will give you an SMB3 memory to keep up. On top of that, the computer is good. I mean, REALLY good. Seriously, if you miss more than once, the computer will toast you into the ground. If by some miracle you not only beat the computer, but get every turn right, you’ll win 7 lives. Sounds cool huh? It will never happen (unless you’re a dirty emulating cheater.)

It just gets worse from there. The games get more an more unfair as time goes on. And the final boss!? Good luck. Dr. Devil expects you to beat him at BOTH games, with an added penalty: if you beat him TOO QUICKLY at Word Chain, he’ll restart the whole fight!

The final boss is so hard that you’ll scream with rage! Don’t let the childish presentation fool you, this game is not your friend. It wants to kill you. And it will do it as often as it can before you turn it off in disgust.

Of course, I didn’t finish it. I refuse to believe anyone ever has. If you saw the ending screen to this game, you must have hacked. I *need* to believe you hacked, rather than wasted days trying to finish such a piece of crap. The worst part is that the game doesn’t seem so bad to start, just mediocre, lulling you into playing it until you discover it’s true colours.

There is a lot in the gameplay that could work, it just needed some serious retooling. Thankfully, the sequel fixes a lot of problems and is actually pretty fun. Let’s talk about that next before I lose my mind.

You real completionist nerds out there are probably wondering if I’ll mention Wakiyarando, the Wagyan Land for the Game Gear. Well, it’s not actually a port of the original game. Sure, it has the same overworld map, but first impressions are deceiving! I’ll get to it later.